Just for those of you who are not familiar with my dietary history, I am a true lover of the chicken nugget. Since I was old enough to order my own Happy Meal, I have chosen the nug before the burger always. And I have spent an embarrassing amount of money on these little treasures during my 24 years of living (including my two years in Ukraine). In fact, I took this picture of my wallet the other day:
I kid. My best friend and fellow chicken nugget pure-blood, Olivia, found this picture online. But I feel like it is a proper representation of my spending choices. Luckily, I did not spend one cent of my own today as I drove around Provo, UT in search of my crispy contestants. I used magic gift card money instead.
As you can tell from the photo, I hit up all the nuggie hot spots: Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, McDonald's, and Wendy's. (This is important to note because the Adequate Man straight-up ignored Chick-Fil-A in his Smackdown.) I decided to go with the classic chicken nugget at each location. I didn't go for the jazzed up spicy nuggets at Wendy's or the weird-ass chicken fries at Burger King, because I wanted to stick with the basics. It took a long time to go through all of those drive-thrus and bring all of these morsels back home to the same table, but Lin-Manuel Miranda and the rest of the Hamilton cast made it an enjoyable process for me.
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| Me and all my friends cruisin around town. |
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| Welcome home. |
Aren't they beautiful? They all deserve a round of applause for just existing. But they don't all get the prize. Hell no. This isn't some crappy little league baseball competition where all of the kids get trophies for trying. I will not award the tubby weirdo who plays extra-far right field and only makes it to base when the pitcher accidentally hits him with the ball. This is the big leagues. Only one restaurant's nuggets will receive the title of The William McNugg Chicken Nugget Smackdown Champion. And you will only be able to find out which nugget RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
Let's do this.
1. Burger King
Let me start off by saying, I literally NEVER eat Burger King. You know, because I am not white trash. I'm joking... sort of. We weren't a Burger King family growing up. And I feel like every time I see a Burger King it is either connected to a gas station, built in 1982, or both. But the main reason I rag on Burger King is because I have fun getting caught up in rivalries and fighting for my side: Yankees vs. Red Sox (Yankees), Batman vs. Superman (Batman), and Coke vs. Pepsi (always Coke). So, when the big McDonald's vs. Burger King stand-off seemed to be ruling my world in 1998, I vowed my loyalty to the Golden Arches and it has stayed that way ever since. BUT for this Smackdown I promised myself I would not let bias taint my results. I know that's subjective and probably not believable, but I really put forth the effort to judge the nugget not by its heritage but by its character. #nonugdiscrimination
So, these nuggies are dirt cheap. If you are one of the many Mormon families in my area that have 7 children to feed, may I suggest the Burger King nuggets. I got ten of those puppies for $1.50. Isn't that nuts? Maybe this is something everyone else in the (white trash) world already knows about, but my mind was blown. But now the problem is I have a Burger King gift card with $3.50 on it that I will never use...
The initial word that popped into my head when I bit down into the nugget was, "squishy". The breading had an appealing golden-brown color and was packed tightly against the chicken, but it was surprisingly soft. I feel like I got a much better breading crunch from Tyson's frozen chicken nuggets growing up than the BK nugget I had just bitten into. The meat was great though. It was juicy and dense and it didn't have any gross tint of brown or purple like some nugs do. And the overall flavor profile was decent. I wasn't overwhelmed or in love, but I did enjoy the flavor. Basically, these chicken nuggets taste exactly like what you think chicken nuggets should taste like.
My main qualm with this nuggie is that it was so thin. It wasn't until I tasted all of them and went back to start again did I realize how thin BK nuggets really are. I suspect that Burger King hires an employee at every location specifically to step on every chicken nugget to flatten them out. While I applaud Burger King's efforts to create more jobs, I have to say I don't enjoy my nuggies stepped on.
2. Chick-Fil-A
Aahhh, Chick-Fil-A. The hot-white-suburban-mom-uppercrust fast food chain. My hometown of McKinney, TX is like the central watering hole for hot white suburban moms, so naturally we have two Chick-Fil-A's with a third one on the way. Luckily, we just got one here in Provo so I didn't have to drive far to collect my nuggie friends. Of course the drive-thru was packed, but you can't blame peeps for loving Chick-Fil-A. You get to eat fried chicken in your car and feel uppity at the same time!
So, these nuggies are the opposite of dirt cheap. If you are one of the many Mormon families in my area that have 7 children to feed, may I not suggest the Chick-Fil-A nuggets. I got eight nuggies for almost $4. That's two less nuggets than Burger King and two more whole dollars! That's some boojie sh*t! I know Chick-Fil-A strives to put itself on a different fried-foodie level by not having a dollar menu and providing "freshly squeezed" diet lemonade, but still. I can get a nice big breakfast burrito for the same price around the corner at Rancherito's! But never fear, I paid for my nugs with the magic gift card money given to me by Lauren the Attorney. Bless her and her attorney-money powers.
Just starting with appearance, I will have to say Chick-Fil-A nuggies do not appeal to my beautiful blue eyes. I think it's because they don't look like what you think nuggets are supposed to look like. They're all different shapes, they're not evenly breaded, and they're on the small side. But all of my worries about appearance disappeared when I bit into the nugget. What a sucker-punch of flavor! Unlike the BK nugget, the Chick-Fil-A nugget doesn't taste like you expect. It tastes so much better! It is a lot tangier and more savory than the food you usually get through a drive-thru window. It barely has any crunch at all, but the flavor and freshness of the chicken makes up for it.
As you can tell from the picture, that is 100% real chicken. It's not that weird (but delicious) chicken-sponge-foam that is usually found in the center of a nug. It is plump, fibrous, juicy chicken. This chicken realness makes for a delicious and hardy bite every time you pop one of these treasures into your mouth.
3. McDonald's
McDonald's, the home of the McNugget. And the McRib. And the McFlurry. And the McMuffin. And all things Mc. I don't know about all of you, but when I hear "Mc" before a word my tastebuds start doing their happy dance. Their McHappy dance. And I will just say that the Provo McDonald's drive-thru team is the most efficient drive-thru team I have seen in my long blessed fast food life. I saw the looooong line of cars and I was all, "Ugh, I'm an American and I need my nuggies instantly in order to be happy." And then I got through that line faster than any other line I went through today! I was so happy that I actually made eye contact with the person giving me my food, instead of ashamedly snatching my food with my head down and zooming off like I usually do. Drive-thru talent is so hard to come by these days. OH! And do you know what I found out? McDonald's has mozzarella sticks now! Or should I say, McMozzarella Sticks? So ethnic, right?
Now for the McNugget. This nug is a light golden brown, and it has this crispy fried pastry outside instead of crumbly breading like all of the other nuggets. So I believe it falls under the "very appealing" category. The puffy tempura-like casing of the McNugget allows for the most satisfying audible crrrrrunch as you sink your teeth into it. The chicken on the inside, however, is about as opposite of Chick-Fil-A chicken as you can get. It's not fibrous and hardy. It's definitely chicken sponge.
This weird chicken consistency combined with the thin crispy outside creates a big gap between the actual meat and the breading. These details were a big problem for Adequate Man in his Chicken Nugget Smackdown. But to be completely honest, none of these things bother me. I don't mind that the breading isn't tight to the chicken, nor is the consistency of the (blended?) chicken a problem. In fact, I think it has a very satisfying crunch and texture. On top of that, the flavor profile is bomb. The McNugget is well seasoned and ridiculously tasty. Twas a good nuggie, indeed.
4. Wendy's
Can I just say that I'm pretty sure that Alyssa, the Wendy's drive-tru girl, had the hots for me? She looked radiant in her red shirt, with her red hair, red lipstick, and red rubber bands on her braces. Someone must have told her that my favorite color is red. She made real flirty eyes with me as I gave her my fancy gift card. I almost winked, but then I remembered I was on a mission to find the best nugget. I wasn't going to get distracted by the temptress in the Wendy's window. Nice try, Alyssa.
Wendy's is right up there with Burger King in making chicken nuggies affordable for everyone in whole wide world. They're not as cheap as BK, but definitely much cheaper than Chick-Fil-A and McDonald's. You can get four nugs for $1! And you get two more for just sixty cents! Wendy's may be trying to reach a more audacious level by offering a Gouda Bacon Burger and Fondue Fries, but they don't desert the customers that made them rich and powerful. They provide us common folk with the food we need (nuggies) at the price we can afford ($2 tops). Thank you, Wendy's
The Wendy's nugget is the perfect looking nugget in my humble (expert) opinion. It is that delicious golden brown color that something deep fried should be. It also has specks of pepper and other seasonings all over it so the lucky fool who gets to eat it anticipates the flavor. This nuggies has a decent bite and crunch to it. I would say it lays pretty evenly between the squishiness of the BK and the crispiness of the McNugget. The breading is peppery and pretty flavorful and remains tight to its chicken best friend. (I forgot to take a picture of this one, so I found one online).
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| The top one is what I ate. The bottom nuggie is the spicy one (also scrumptious). |
The meat was much more chicken-like than the McNugget and the BK nuggie, but it still wasn't like Chick-Fil-A. The chicken was dense, not overly spongy, and it was juicy. I really appreciated that this nugget was puffed up, not at all flat, and that it was a nice mouthful of chicken in every bite. This nuggie definitely did not disappoint.
Results
Let me just start off by saying, none of these nuggies were bad. If you ever need a nuggie fix, then I would definitely say you could hit up Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's, or Chick-Fil-A and you will be satisfied. But right now I am going to tell you where you will end up the MOST satisfied. Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves. You are about to discover which nuggie will be named The William McNugg Chicken Nugget Smackdown Champion!
4th Place - Burger King
So, when I reached this decision I was really paranoid that I was heavily affected by my bias against the BK. I immediately had my roommate and fellow fast food lover, Kevin, come over and taste all of the nugs and give me his thoughts. Kevin loves BK (apparently I live with white trash), and while he may not be a nugget expert, he still has tastebuds. After he tasted all of the nuggies, he also placed Burger King in last place. So I felt much better about my decision.
My reasoning for Burger King coming in last is simply that the nuggies did not wow me. They weren't particularly flavorful or delicious, plus I'm pretty sure someone stepped on them! Like I said before, they weren't bad. I would just have to say that while these nuggets are the most affordable, they also happen to be the least memorable.
3rd Place - Wendy's
I felt really bad putting Wendy's in third because I love Wendy's so much. These nuggets really are excellent (and in case any of you haven't tried it, the spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's is bomb!). But it honestly came down to flavor for me, and when compared with McDonald's and Chick-Fil-A flavor, I just found that I didn't love Wendy's nuggets as much. There really isn't anything wrong with them, and if anyone argued with me saying they deserve to be ranked higher, I probably wouldn't disagree. But I went with personal preference on this one, and so Wendy's ended up in third. And that's all I can really say about that.
2nd Place - McDonald's
These were some damn good McNuggies. The initial crunch and overall flavor are really what makes these little babies taste so good. I know some people hate on the McDonald's nuggies, and everyone has a right to their own opinions. But all I have to say about those people is that they're idiots and I don't want to be friends with them ever. The McNugget is never a bad choice (unless they have been sitting out of the fryer for 5+ minutes) and I would highly suggest them. Also, McDonald's has the best Buffalo sauce for dipping which just enhances the McNuggie to a whole new level. Everyone should get in their car and go to the nearest McDonald's drive-thru and try it now.
1st Place - The William McNugg Chicken Nuggie Smackdown Champion - Chick-Fil-A
Guys, Chick-Fil-A really does know how to cook some freaking delicious chicken. These nuggets were really above and beyond when it came to flavor and I had a hard time sharing them with my roommates even though there were 20 other nuggets on the table. They are addictive-ly scrumptious and they are REAL chicken which just made all the difference for me. I know they're stupidly pricey and you probably can't afford to eat them as often as one would like to eat nuggets, but that makes them kind of special. Special boojie nuggies you get to eat when you are making paper. Being able to order these little puppies serves as a reminder that you are rolling in the dough and that you are spending your money right. God bless Chick-Fil-A. God bless The William McNugg Chicken Nugget Smackdown Champion.
So there you have it folks. I hope you enjoyed reading your way through this 100% pointless blogpost. If you didn't enjoy it, or you disagree with my judgments, I really don't care. Wanna know why? Because I ate at least 17 chicken nuggets for lunch today, so I know for a fact that I had a WAY better day than you.
Special thanks to Lauren the Attorney for making this magic happen. And special thanks to Alyssa the Wendy's drive-thru girl; I pray we meet again.
PEACE LOVE AND NUGGIES
William McNugg
My butt has been where the nuggies were sitting.
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